insofaras
i am ableto
becoherentabout
my brain
a
jumbletanglewhirl
of
misplaced shoulds
rampant can'ts
shuffling woulds
this mind
this
graymattermeat
firing electric
cellsspinangry
the self
fights for
whole
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
F@ck You, ED
Over the past few weeks I've had a relapse with depression and disordered eating. I'm pretty sure that last week there were a few days where, collectively, I probably ate about 500 calories. How easily I fell into it, how comforting it felt, and how much I didn't want to admit to it or ask for help was upsetting. I did, though, and my husband has been great.
I'm not exactly sure what triggered it, although stress and worry are certainly big factors. Anyone who freelances will tell you that it's not an easy way to make a living, and I think I got discouraged and judgy about the fact that I've started nannying part time to give us peace of mind and a weekly income. Intellectually, I know it's a good thing and I enjoy working with kids. And I know that nannying is important, honest work, in some ways more essential than editing or writing the funny books. Emotionally, I feel a little like a failure that I didn't magically make writing and editing "work" as my sole source of income. I'm still doing both, of course, so I'm wearing three hats and scheduling the hell out of every day. It's taken me longer to find a balance and, again, I get judgy with myself. And my fail safe is always "forgetting" to eat or getting obsessive about weight, to avoid the more complicated things I'm feeling and simplify it all down to: don't eat.
I think the problems with that are rather obvious. So I thought I'd make a list of things that my ED has kept me from doing to get a better sense of how destructive it is and to help myself keep a sense of perspective...and basically to tell ED to fuck off and leave me alone so I can get back to the things I want and love to do. It may seem odd that body anxieties would effect my creative life so much, but they do. It leaks into everything.
1. Work. Focusing on food and hating my body distracts me from writing, drawing, and editing, and ends up requiring a lot of time dedicated to judging it, starving it, and feeling bad about it. This impacts my work, makes me tired and angry, and sets up a really shitty cycle of self-loathing that is not creatively stimulating or productive.
2. Travel. I still haven't gotten a passport or been able to realize my goals of traveling outside the US because I keep wanting to be thinner to take a crummy passport photo that will look terrible anyway. Because I hate pictures that make me look bad and fat that much.
3. Confidence. When I'm feeling like this I have a hard time advocating for myself and achieving any other goals. It sucks the absolute life out of me and I get extremely critical of my work and abilities. I get so overwhelmed with feeling bad about my body I don't feel I have the right to want to share my work and that just ends up in a vicious cycle where I don't think I've accomplished anything and will die never mattering or sharing what I want to share.
4. Swimming. I have not gotten into a pool or stepped in the ocean to swim since I was about 24 years old. That was 8 years ago. I love to swim. My fear of being in a bathing suit has led me to stop doing something I really find a lot of joy in and it bothers me so much that half my dreams are about the sensation of plunging into water, the rush of it around your body, the whoosh of it in your ears. I miss it.
5. Pants. I'm so leery of sizing and freaking out about how I look that I can't buy pants or anything non-stretchy anymore. Also, clothing sizes in general have become kind of panic inducing/triggering. Everything I buy is now huge because I'd rather deal with things being oversized than have any more crying jags over it. The problem with that is that wearing things that don't really fit makes me look larger than I actually am and thus creates a further distorted view of my size. Not to mention constantly reaffirming my conviction that, unless I am thin, I am gross to look at. I don't feel that way about anyone else so it's especially frustrating that my mental illness is so myopic and self destructive still.
6. Socializing. I've been avoiding spending time with people I like and care about because I can't handle how much I worry about how I look when I'm around other people. I nearly panicked the other night when I went to my husband's companies 2 year anniversary party and knew I'd meet new people and spent the whole time worried they thought I was fat and ugly and gross. I'm not sure that showed on the outside, but it made me feel shitty and awful on the inside. I've also avoided at least two fun events I really wanted to go to because I didn't want to leave the house, or was afraid to meet people I like/admire and be convinced they'd think I was a horrible troll person.
7. My face. One of my biggest body anxiety related habits (or "checking" behavior in ED speak) is a sort of poking/pulling obsession with my double-chin. I hate the fucking thing and I cannot stop trying to minimize it, angrily poke it, or more recently, scratch and pull at it. The reality is, my body image is so warped I have no idea how "bad" it really is, and regardless, it's a damaging preoccupation. Wanting to pull pieces of your body off is not healthy.
8. Food. I actually like food. I like cooking, I enjoy making it for others, and I feel so much better when I'm eating. This whole relapse has severely limited my diet again and makes me feel physically crummy, tired, and weak.
I'm going to refer back to this list from time to time to remind myself that these are NOT things I want to be doing and that they aren't fair to inflict on myself. I really, really, really want to travel, for instance...and I need to get on that and make plans and stop letting one fucking photo govern my goals. Likewise I need to eat to live and I -want- to live. I want to live a full life, a healthy life, and I can't do that if I'm starving myself.
Fuck you, ED.
I'm not exactly sure what triggered it, although stress and worry are certainly big factors. Anyone who freelances will tell you that it's not an easy way to make a living, and I think I got discouraged and judgy about the fact that I've started nannying part time to give us peace of mind and a weekly income. Intellectually, I know it's a good thing and I enjoy working with kids. And I know that nannying is important, honest work, in some ways more essential than editing or writing the funny books. Emotionally, I feel a little like a failure that I didn't magically make writing and editing "work" as my sole source of income. I'm still doing both, of course, so I'm wearing three hats and scheduling the hell out of every day. It's taken me longer to find a balance and, again, I get judgy with myself. And my fail safe is always "forgetting" to eat or getting obsessive about weight, to avoid the more complicated things I'm feeling and simplify it all down to: don't eat.
I think the problems with that are rather obvious. So I thought I'd make a list of things that my ED has kept me from doing to get a better sense of how destructive it is and to help myself keep a sense of perspective...and basically to tell ED to fuck off and leave me alone so I can get back to the things I want and love to do. It may seem odd that body anxieties would effect my creative life so much, but they do. It leaks into everything.
1. Work. Focusing on food and hating my body distracts me from writing, drawing, and editing, and ends up requiring a lot of time dedicated to judging it, starving it, and feeling bad about it. This impacts my work, makes me tired and angry, and sets up a really shitty cycle of self-loathing that is not creatively stimulating or productive.
2. Travel. I still haven't gotten a passport or been able to realize my goals of traveling outside the US because I keep wanting to be thinner to take a crummy passport photo that will look terrible anyway. Because I hate pictures that make me look bad and fat that much.
3. Confidence. When I'm feeling like this I have a hard time advocating for myself and achieving any other goals. It sucks the absolute life out of me and I get extremely critical of my work and abilities. I get so overwhelmed with feeling bad about my body I don't feel I have the right to want to share my work and that just ends up in a vicious cycle where I don't think I've accomplished anything and will die never mattering or sharing what I want to share.
4. Swimming. I have not gotten into a pool or stepped in the ocean to swim since I was about 24 years old. That was 8 years ago. I love to swim. My fear of being in a bathing suit has led me to stop doing something I really find a lot of joy in and it bothers me so much that half my dreams are about the sensation of plunging into water, the rush of it around your body, the whoosh of it in your ears. I miss it.
5. Pants. I'm so leery of sizing and freaking out about how I look that I can't buy pants or anything non-stretchy anymore. Also, clothing sizes in general have become kind of panic inducing/triggering. Everything I buy is now huge because I'd rather deal with things being oversized than have any more crying jags over it. The problem with that is that wearing things that don't really fit makes me look larger than I actually am and thus creates a further distorted view of my size. Not to mention constantly reaffirming my conviction that, unless I am thin, I am gross to look at. I don't feel that way about anyone else so it's especially frustrating that my mental illness is so myopic and self destructive still.
6. Socializing. I've been avoiding spending time with people I like and care about because I can't handle how much I worry about how I look when I'm around other people. I nearly panicked the other night when I went to my husband's companies 2 year anniversary party and knew I'd meet new people and spent the whole time worried they thought I was fat and ugly and gross. I'm not sure that showed on the outside, but it made me feel shitty and awful on the inside. I've also avoided at least two fun events I really wanted to go to because I didn't want to leave the house, or was afraid to meet people I like/admire and be convinced they'd think I was a horrible troll person.
7. My face. One of my biggest body anxiety related habits (or "checking" behavior in ED speak) is a sort of poking/pulling obsession with my double-chin. I hate the fucking thing and I cannot stop trying to minimize it, angrily poke it, or more recently, scratch and pull at it. The reality is, my body image is so warped I have no idea how "bad" it really is, and regardless, it's a damaging preoccupation. Wanting to pull pieces of your body off is not healthy.
8. Food. I actually like food. I like cooking, I enjoy making it for others, and I feel so much better when I'm eating. This whole relapse has severely limited my diet again and makes me feel physically crummy, tired, and weak.
I'm going to refer back to this list from time to time to remind myself that these are NOT things I want to be doing and that they aren't fair to inflict on myself. I really, really, really want to travel, for instance...and I need to get on that and make plans and stop letting one fucking photo govern my goals. Likewise I need to eat to live and I -want- to live. I want to live a full life, a healthy life, and I can't do that if I'm starving myself.
Fuck you, ED.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Dragon
the inside
parting ways from
sane
beneath lies
a beastly burden
a dormant dragon
with scales of
dreaded doubt
it curls
it knots
it writhes
my lovely lizard
my crazy creature
she never lets me
forget her flames
parting ways from
sane
beneath lies
a beastly burden
a dormant dragon
with scales of
dreaded doubt
it curls
it knots
it writhes
my lovely lizard
my crazy creature
she never lets me
forget her flames
Monday, December 5, 2011
Hair Stuff
My hair is an ongoing saga. I've been dyeing it since I was fourteen or so, which was a year after it completely changed texture due to puberty. As a youngin' I had straight, fine, medium brown hair. I liked it, I guess, but I didn't think about it too much. Around thirteen it became fine, medium brown, and curly. It was a bit of a strange adjustment. I didn't have anything against curly hair but...when you've had one type for the entirety of your short life it's weird when it just shifts like that. I started experimenting with hair products to control it, enhance the curls, or straighten it.
Growing up, my mom had wonderfully curly, silvery gray hair. She colored it a few times but always went back to the gray because, as I have since learned, the root regrowth is a serious pain in the butt. My mom was (and continues to be in her 60's) very beautiful. She lights up a room. Her hair is a striking contrast to her youthful face and has been for as long as I can remember. I didn't inherit her beauty, but as it turns out I did inherit the prematurely gray hair and tendency to look younger than I am.
By the time I was 14 I was struggling a lot with social/school issues. People didn't like me, basically. Actually, I think they kind of hated me. And after dealing with two full years of nearly non-stop bullying, I was pretty tired of being me too. I hated how I looked. I hated how I felt. And I desperately need to do something about that. Over the summer between 8th and 9th grade I decided that something I could change was my hair. I had always admired red hair so I went in that directly. The first thing I tried was something called "Glintz" which was a temp color that gave you different highlights. It was fairly crappy.
Unsatisfied with the results I investigated other methods. At the time I didn't want to deal with chemical dyes and I was often in the health food store with my mom. Which is where I discovered henna. The rest is hair dyeing history. My mom helped me put that green goop on my head and I was pretty much hooked. Henna also had the interesting side effect of making my hair more wavy than curly. Which it still is, although if there is ANY moisture in the air it curls up like whoa. I sadly can't use henna anymore because A. I like the gray and henna is hard to do in just sections. B. it tends to make white hair a kind of bright orangey-red color I'm not fond of. I prefer cool reds.
At around 19 I started going gray. Well, really my hair started going white. You get white hairs, not gray hairs. It's just the mix of the white hairs with your natural color that make it look gray. I was excited. But with white hair comes another texture shift. Some people get coarser hair. I got "wilder" hair. It's still fine and wavy, but it has a complete life of its own. Which isn't a bad thing, it just requires more effort to get it to do what I want...and sometimes I just don't bother.
So, taking all of that into account, here's what I've learned works for my hair*. I've tried so many things that I think I've got a decent handle on what's worth spending money on and what's not for me.
*One thing I should mention: A lot of people are proponents for the "no poo" technique for curly hair. Or most hair. It's basically not using shampoo's because they use sulfates which are supposedly as harsh as detergent. The technique also usually involves no silicone products because they build up on hair, which then forces you to use sulfates, and creates a bad hair cycle. I've found conflicting data on this, so, it's up to you to decide for yourself.
I tried the no-poo/no silicone thing, for over a year. I specifically tried products for this technique and others that don't use any sulfates or 'cones after research and careful label reading. They spectacularly did not work for me. My hair was either dry or oily, hard to manage, and just...dull. Sometimes a product would work for a day or two and then, no. And I really did try. I think a year is enough time to determine that a particular technique just isn't for you.
** You'll probably notice that I don't list products specifically for "fine" hair. The reason is that most bodifying products dry out and "roughen" the hair surface to make it appear fuller/thicker. The result on my hair is a kind of unattractive poof that feels weird and looks fake. My hair is fine and that's just how it is. Instead of fighting it I find the things I like about it (the color, the wavy texture) and enhance that instead.
Shampoo
1. Aussie Moist Shampoo. I really like this stuff. In fact, most of the time I can just use it and not bother with conditioner. Cheap, smells non-offensive, and it doesn't dry my hair out or make it gross.
2. Free & Clear Shampoo. I've actually just started using this because my husband has been having horrible allergic reactions to something topically and we got this on the advice of his doctor. It's free of common irritants, including sulfates, but it still suds up quite a bit. And it hasn't created any problems. It's helped him with his dandruff and it doesn't strip my hair or make it feel funky.
3. Aveda's Blue Malva. This stuff is specifically for pale blonde or gray/white hair to keep out brassy/yellowing tones. If you have white/gray hair it will make the white really, really, really bright. I don't use it often, but using it once a month prevents it from getting dingy looking. It's kind of mid-range to high in terms of price, but it smells amazing, and since I use it so sparingly it lasts forever.
4. DHC's Gentle Scalp Cleansing Shampoo. I like the smell of this shampoo and how gently it cleanses my hair. My hair feels really soft after using it even without conditioner.
5. Oscar Blandi's Dry Shampoo. This stuff is awesome. I use it on my roots if I want to avoid shampooing too often. It smells nicely lemony and compliments the white in my hair. If you have darker hair I could see this being problematic. I got the travel size which is actually pretty reasonably priced and has lasted several months.
Conditioner
1. Oscar Blandi's Jasmine Hair Mask. This stuff is expensive, but I love it. It smells wonderful, softens and conditioners the hair perfectly, and lasts if you don't have very long or thick hair. When it's really humid out I use it every day and it keeps frizz manageable and the wilder hair stuff under control. I miss it, but I just can't justify the cost right now.
2. Frizz Ease Leave In Conditioner. This is very light and effective for pre-heat styling. Easy to apply. Since I often don't use conditioner every day it helps keep the hair from tangling, which can be a problem when your hair is fine and wavy.
Products
1. Frizz Ease Hair Serum. Cheap, effective, I often just use this instead of conditioner. It's a silicone product, obviously, but I haven't had any problem with it weighing my hair down or it making it oily, even when I don't use a sulfate-y shampoo. I use either the regular or the one for fine hair, and it really does matter if you put it on while the hair is wet as opposed to damp. You do have to be careful of the amount or you'll get kind of grubby looking hair, though. And generally I only use this when it's really humid out and mostly on the ends/middle instead of the roots.
2. Bumble & Bumblie Curl Conscious Cream. This stuff is technically for relaxing really curly hair, and a little goes a long way. I've had my bottle for about 2 years now. I find it very effective for soft, manageable waves. It doesn't have a ton of hold, though, so it won't keep hair under control in humidity. It's also pretty expensive like most B&B products. But since you don't need to use much it lasts a long time.
3. Aussie Volumizing Hair Gel. This is my one "no fine hair products" concession because it's actually good. I usually mix this with the B&B cream and find the combo gives me really great hold and styling versatility. I get the waves I want without frizz, I get shine, and a nice bit of body, especially at the roots. I can also get it pretty straight without heat styling if I let it dry without combing it first so it gets a tad "stiff". When it's dry you just brush it out and, at least for me, end up with straightish hair. Never had an issue with flaking or anything and the hair doesn't feel dry or funky.
4. Phyto's Straightening Balm. When I do want to use a straightener I use this. It's expensive but it works. You don't need much. Just run it through damp hair and either use a blow dryer or let it air dry before using a straightener. Gets it pretty close to pin straight, smooth, shiny and it lasts. This is what I use when I want a "professional" looking style and can't get it done at the salon.
5. Pantene's Thick Hairspray. Like the name implies, this is technically for thick hair but it works for anyone and has a higher "hold" factor than other sprays. It's also a good price and, like most things Pantene, does indeed keep hair shiny. A trick I learned from my hairstylist: Spray hairspray on your hands and run it over your finished hairstyle. This will give you hold that lasts without making the hair crispy or crunchy. I've found it holds up even in San Francisco's fairly high humidity, too.
Tools
1. Chi hair straightener. I. Love. This. Thing. These are expensive but they are so worth it. I've used cheaper straighteners and there really was a difference. The Chi has a nice nuanced heat setting, which I tend to keep low for fine hair. It heaps up fast and glides very smoothly through the hair. Only use straighteners on already dry hair or you'll burn it, btw.
3. Baybliss mini dryer. From what I've read hair dryers are not that different from one another no matter what fancy claims they're making. It's more about the wattage and heat setting. If you don't have thick hair you want a lower wattage and you don't need high heat to dry hair. The reason your salon blowout looks awesome is because that's what hair dressers do. It's not really the dryer. No matter what you put on your hair heat styling is damaging so in general I keep this to a minimum. I like this dryer because it's teeny, dual voltage for travel, and I got it for like $15 at Marshall's. It even has that weird duckbill attachment thing for more control over the heat placement.
4. Mason Pearson hairbrush. These are crazy expensive so I have a mini-travel one that cost way less and was on sale at a Sally's. I don't use this on wet hair, you should use combs when hair is wet because the cuticle is more vulnerable and delicate then and comes don't rough up the cuticle. I do, however, like to brush my hair a few times a week to get it smooth, redistribute the hair oils, and stimulate the scalp. I've never had an issue with it damaging it, even though some people swear you should never brush it.
Growing up, my mom had wonderfully curly, silvery gray hair. She colored it a few times but always went back to the gray because, as I have since learned, the root regrowth is a serious pain in the butt. My mom was (and continues to be in her 60's) very beautiful. She lights up a room. Her hair is a striking contrast to her youthful face and has been for as long as I can remember. I didn't inherit her beauty, but as it turns out I did inherit the prematurely gray hair and tendency to look younger than I am.
By the time I was 14 I was struggling a lot with social/school issues. People didn't like me, basically. Actually, I think they kind of hated me. And after dealing with two full years of nearly non-stop bullying, I was pretty tired of being me too. I hated how I looked. I hated how I felt. And I desperately need to do something about that. Over the summer between 8th and 9th grade I decided that something I could change was my hair. I had always admired red hair so I went in that directly. The first thing I tried was something called "Glintz" which was a temp color that gave you different highlights. It was fairly crappy.
Unsatisfied with the results I investigated other methods. At the time I didn't want to deal with chemical dyes and I was often in the health food store with my mom. Which is where I discovered henna. The rest is hair dyeing history. My mom helped me put that green goop on my head and I was pretty much hooked. Henna also had the interesting side effect of making my hair more wavy than curly. Which it still is, although if there is ANY moisture in the air it curls up like whoa. I sadly can't use henna anymore because A. I like the gray and henna is hard to do in just sections. B. it tends to make white hair a kind of bright orangey-red color I'm not fond of. I prefer cool reds.
At around 19 I started going gray. Well, really my hair started going white. You get white hairs, not gray hairs. It's just the mix of the white hairs with your natural color that make it look gray. I was excited. But with white hair comes another texture shift. Some people get coarser hair. I got "wilder" hair. It's still fine and wavy, but it has a complete life of its own. Which isn't a bad thing, it just requires more effort to get it to do what I want...and sometimes I just don't bother.
So, taking all of that into account, here's what I've learned works for my hair*. I've tried so many things that I think I've got a decent handle on what's worth spending money on and what's not for me.
*One thing I should mention: A lot of people are proponents for the "no poo" technique for curly hair. Or most hair. It's basically not using shampoo's because they use sulfates which are supposedly as harsh as detergent. The technique also usually involves no silicone products because they build up on hair, which then forces you to use sulfates, and creates a bad hair cycle. I've found conflicting data on this, so, it's up to you to decide for yourself.
I tried the no-poo/no silicone thing, for over a year. I specifically tried products for this technique and others that don't use any sulfates or 'cones after research and careful label reading. They spectacularly did not work for me. My hair was either dry or oily, hard to manage, and just...dull. Sometimes a product would work for a day or two and then, no. And I really did try. I think a year is enough time to determine that a particular technique just isn't for you.
** You'll probably notice that I don't list products specifically for "fine" hair. The reason is that most bodifying products dry out and "roughen" the hair surface to make it appear fuller/thicker. The result on my hair is a kind of unattractive poof that feels weird and looks fake. My hair is fine and that's just how it is. Instead of fighting it I find the things I like about it (the color, the wavy texture) and enhance that instead.
Shampoo
1. Aussie Moist Shampoo. I really like this stuff. In fact, most of the time I can just use it and not bother with conditioner. Cheap, smells non-offensive, and it doesn't dry my hair out or make it gross.
2. Free & Clear Shampoo. I've actually just started using this because my husband has been having horrible allergic reactions to something topically and we got this on the advice of his doctor. It's free of common irritants, including sulfates, but it still suds up quite a bit. And it hasn't created any problems. It's helped him with his dandruff and it doesn't strip my hair or make it feel funky.
3. Aveda's Blue Malva. This stuff is specifically for pale blonde or gray/white hair to keep out brassy/yellowing tones. If you have white/gray hair it will make the white really, really, really bright. I don't use it often, but using it once a month prevents it from getting dingy looking. It's kind of mid-range to high in terms of price, but it smells amazing, and since I use it so sparingly it lasts forever.
4. DHC's Gentle Scalp Cleansing Shampoo. I like the smell of this shampoo and how gently it cleanses my hair. My hair feels really soft after using it even without conditioner.
5. Oscar Blandi's Dry Shampoo. This stuff is awesome. I use it on my roots if I want to avoid shampooing too often. It smells nicely lemony and compliments the white in my hair. If you have darker hair I could see this being problematic. I got the travel size which is actually pretty reasonably priced and has lasted several months.
Conditioner
1. Oscar Blandi's Jasmine Hair Mask. This stuff is expensive, but I love it. It smells wonderful, softens and conditioners the hair perfectly, and lasts if you don't have very long or thick hair. When it's really humid out I use it every day and it keeps frizz manageable and the wilder hair stuff under control. I miss it, but I just can't justify the cost right now.
2. Frizz Ease Leave In Conditioner. This is very light and effective for pre-heat styling. Easy to apply. Since I often don't use conditioner every day it helps keep the hair from tangling, which can be a problem when your hair is fine and wavy.
Products
1. Frizz Ease Hair Serum. Cheap, effective, I often just use this instead of conditioner. It's a silicone product, obviously, but I haven't had any problem with it weighing my hair down or it making it oily, even when I don't use a sulfate-y shampoo. I use either the regular or the one for fine hair, and it really does matter if you put it on while the hair is wet as opposed to damp. You do have to be careful of the amount or you'll get kind of grubby looking hair, though. And generally I only use this when it's really humid out and mostly on the ends/middle instead of the roots.
2. Bumble & Bumblie Curl Conscious Cream. This stuff is technically for relaxing really curly hair, and a little goes a long way. I've had my bottle for about 2 years now. I find it very effective for soft, manageable waves. It doesn't have a ton of hold, though, so it won't keep hair under control in humidity. It's also pretty expensive like most B&B products. But since you don't need to use much it lasts a long time.
3. Aussie Volumizing Hair Gel. This is my one "no fine hair products" concession because it's actually good. I usually mix this with the B&B cream and find the combo gives me really great hold and styling versatility. I get the waves I want without frizz, I get shine, and a nice bit of body, especially at the roots. I can also get it pretty straight without heat styling if I let it dry without combing it first so it gets a tad "stiff". When it's dry you just brush it out and, at least for me, end up with straightish hair. Never had an issue with flaking or anything and the hair doesn't feel dry or funky.
4. Phyto's Straightening Balm. When I do want to use a straightener I use this. It's expensive but it works. You don't need much. Just run it through damp hair and either use a blow dryer or let it air dry before using a straightener. Gets it pretty close to pin straight, smooth, shiny and it lasts. This is what I use when I want a "professional" looking style and can't get it done at the salon.
5. Pantene's Thick Hairspray. Like the name implies, this is technically for thick hair but it works for anyone and has a higher "hold" factor than other sprays. It's also a good price and, like most things Pantene, does indeed keep hair shiny. A trick I learned from my hairstylist: Spray hairspray on your hands and run it over your finished hairstyle. This will give you hold that lasts without making the hair crispy or crunchy. I've found it holds up even in San Francisco's fairly high humidity, too.
Tools
1. Chi hair straightener. I. Love. This. Thing. These are expensive but they are so worth it. I've used cheaper straighteners and there really was a difference. The Chi has a nice nuanced heat setting, which I tend to keep low for fine hair. It heaps up fast and glides very smoothly through the hair. Only use straighteners on already dry hair or you'll burn it, btw.
3. Baybliss mini dryer. From what I've read hair dryers are not that different from one another no matter what fancy claims they're making. It's more about the wattage and heat setting. If you don't have thick hair you want a lower wattage and you don't need high heat to dry hair. The reason your salon blowout looks awesome is because that's what hair dressers do. It's not really the dryer. No matter what you put on your hair heat styling is damaging so in general I keep this to a minimum. I like this dryer because it's teeny, dual voltage for travel, and I got it for like $15 at Marshall's. It even has that weird duckbill attachment thing for more control over the heat placement.
4. Mason Pearson hairbrush. These are crazy expensive so I have a mini-travel one that cost way less and was on sale at a Sally's. I don't use this on wet hair, you should use combs when hair is wet because the cuticle is more vulnerable and delicate then and comes don't rough up the cuticle. I do, however, like to brush my hair a few times a week to get it smooth, redistribute the hair oils, and stimulate the scalp. I've never had an issue with it damaging it, even though some people swear you should never brush it.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Makeup is Pretty
So, I really like makeup. Sometimes in a purely functional way, in the sense that I don't like showing off blemishes so I'm happy I can cover them up. But most of the time I like the creative, fun, playful, painterly aspect of makeup. I like colors and shimmers and messing around with different looks, especially those of bygone era's. Sadly, I don't really get to do this much at the moment since I'm at home with the cats all day and they don't really care about how awesome my eyeshadow combo is.
Sephora and MAC are probably my fave makeup sites because they display everything so nicely and have huge selections of colors. It's very similar to when I got to the art store and look at the various paint shades and finishes.
Overall, I'm not a huge fan of "matte" as a texture. Not on my skin and not in my work. It just tends to look too flat and unreal to me, so I usually opt for makeup that has some kind of "glow"...although there are many levels of "glow" from subtle to cabaret bam!. For every day you generally want a healthy, natural glow. A Twilight level of sparkle is a bit much for errand running and grocery shopping.
That said, I still gravitate towards glittery-as-a-fairies-butt eyeshadows most of the time. And generally not in neutral, subdued shades. The older I get the more I like bright colors for some reason. And the more I just don't give a fuck what other people think.
So...here's a list of makeups I like that is in no way complete because I'm constantly picking up new stuff. I do make an effort to use brands that don't test on animals but I'm also budget conscious because I can spend way too much money at Sephora in a split second, especially if my period is anywhere in the mix. So sometimes I do sacrifice some personal ethics so as not to be completely broke. Also, there comes a point at which no one "needs" any more eyeshadows. I only have two eyelids and so many days in the year.
FACE
1. I use Aromaleigh's mineral makeup in a blend of Alabaster, 1Y, and 1P mixed with their Illuminator in a generous amount. Unfortunately Aromaleigh doesn't make face makeup anymore after some change ups, but I bought enough when they were stopping that I should be good for at least a year. Then I'll have to figure something else out, unfortunately. A little goes a long way, honestly. And it doesn't irritate my skin or make it break out, and it's not heavy or masklike. I don't think I could go back to liquid foundation at this point, I'm so used to both the technique and feel of minerals. I personally use a flocked sponge to apply because I got a horrible rash from a face brush once, my skin is that sensitive.
2. Amazing Cosmetics Concealer in Fair. This stuff is ridiculously expensive in a full tube, but you can get a travel sized one at Ulta for half the price and it lasts FOREVER. You only need the teeniest, tiniest amount to cover dark circles or blemishes. And it really does cover them up and blend them in seamlessly, in any lighting. Which is fantastic. I'm really, really, really pale so it's unusual for me to find a concealer that isn't too dark, too orange, or too pink.
3. Maybelline cover stick in White. I only use this for Halloween, really, because it's waterproof and pretty high coverage, and cheap. It'll make your face a nice, nearly white, canvas for dead styles of makeup. I doubt it's great for your skin, but, it's a good cheap alternative. And if you're fair skinned enough it's a decent regular concealer.
3. Physicians Formula Shimmer Strip in Healthy Glow. This is technically a blush kit, but it's also got a highlighter and 3 shades of "blush". Now, personally, I don't generally need blush because I have pre-Rosacea and my cheeks are naturally pink-red depending on the weather, heat, or embarrassment level. What this kit does for me is actually give me a nice set of colors for use on the eyes, lips, and cheeks, for a natural look that also emphasizes my eye-color. It's not terribly expensive but it is a great "all purpose" product. They have a bunch of different sets for different skin tones. I found this very useful on my last few trips to cut down on carrying too many products around. It functioned just fine for everything and kept me from looking totally dead after a cross country flight.
EYES
*First, a tip. Depending on your eyecolor and skintone you should try using a contrasting color to make them standout. I have blue/green eyes so pinks, reds, and corals make them seem bluer. Copper has a similar effect. Purples make them seem greener, and browns and greys make them look sort of grey. Check out a color wheel and play around.
1. Makeup Forever Eyeliner. I have this in black, smoky gray, and a deep plum. I love them all. They stay put, make AWESOME smokey eyes, and are very easy to use and non-irritating. I don't really bother trying other eyeliners anymore because these just work and last quite a long time with maintenance. Ie. sharpen them regularly and be mindful of bacteria.
2. Urban Decay Eyeshadows in Lounge, Woodstock and their Deluxe eyeshadow in Fishnet. Woodstock is an incredibly vibrant hot pink and Fishnet is the most gorgeously nuanced shade of purple/pink with a hot blue shimmer. It's sort of the equivalent of the purple eyeshadow Disney villainesses are always sporting. I'm very fond of both because they're nicely pigmented, go on smooth, and make my eye color pop. Lounge is a brown/green that's really lovely and unusual, but great for pretty much any eyecolor. Also: most of their Deluxe eyeshadows are vibrant and true to hue no matter your skin tone. Which is great when you want a very dramatic pop of color. Which I usually do.
3. Aromaleigh Eyeshadows. Thankfully Aromaleigh is now making some limited sets again. Their eyeshadows were always immensely gorgeous. I have way too many to list them all, but they're worth checking out. Very layered colors, from high shine to frosts to glitters, to mattes. They last, they're really lovely, and they tend to have fun names. You also usually get quite a lot for the money. Some of my favorites over the years have been: Lilith, Ophelia, Grace, Drama Teal, Papillon, Flowers of Romance, Dirty Deeds, Strychnine, Cocoa Mauve, Mania's Locus, Phantasm, Nightshade, Dragon Scales, and on and on. Aromaleigh got me to try colors I never would have otherwise.
4. MAC eyeshadows in Shale, Shadowy Lady and Smut. Shale is a kind of mauvey gray that's subtle and more natural. Shadowly Lady is a deep gray purple, great for lining and drama. And Smut is a blackened red that makes blue eyes pop. I recommend going to a MAC counter or store to pick out shades, though. The pics on their site tend to be a bit misleading and I find the descriptions often seem counter what the pic shows.
5. Mascara. I prefer clear mascara, but I do like Benefits Badgal in black. Very simple and effective. Separates, lengthens, nothing too fancy or frilly and doesn't flake off.
6. Eyelash curler. For years I didn't see the point nor did I get how you could use one without hurting yourself. Then I figured it out and suddenly realized how it opened up the eyes and made the lashes more noticeable, mascara or no. I am a convert.
7. Eyebrows. I just groom mine with clear mascara sometimes. I don't fill them in or do anything fancy besides pluck when they look too wild. I prefer Tweezerman tweezers, though. Trust me, it'll save you a lot of frustration and owies.
LIPS
I love lipstick but I rarely wear it, likewise gloss. I feel weird reapplying it because I feel like I'm putting on a show. So what you'll mostly see here are tints or balms.
1. Fresh tinted balms in Plum and Pink. These are ridiculously expensive but the colors are amazing. And they have a new red one I really want to try. They're moisturizing, the colors are layerable, and they're in a tube so you're not trying to deal with a wand.
2. Stila's Lip/Cheek Stain in Cherry. This is my go-to. It's a stain that supposedly adjusts to your individual lip tone. I have no idea if that's true, I just know it's a fantastic, long-lasting, natural looking "flush". Kind of like I just ate a cherry popsicle, only more pigmented. You can also apply more than one layer for more color. It's not drying, but I use lipbalm regardless and it still lasts.
3. Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey. I love this color and find it to be just the right pop when I want a more sophisticated lip that isn't too much. Goes on smooth, easy to reapply. Not hugely long-lasting, but, eh.
4. Lipbalms! I'm kind of a lipbalm junkie. I tend to have like 4 in my bag at all times. Plus one in the car, in a coat, etc. I have lots of different kinds. Carmex in the little tin thing for when I need exfoliation or have a fever blister, Nivea with SPF, Softlips, another Carmex only in a stick, Blistex, and I just got 4 natural lipbalms from an Etsy shop called AutumnBalmBotanicals. They smell awesome and feel great. The Peppermint even has a touch of shimmer.
The only sort of cosmetics I really don't go in for are nail polish and anything contouring. Nail Polish looks pretty but I can't stand the way it feels on my hands, and I'm not keen on the chemicals. Other than that, I tend to just have fun with it. I'm still looking for the perfect red lipstick, though...
Next time: Hair Stuff
Sephora and MAC are probably my fave makeup sites because they display everything so nicely and have huge selections of colors. It's very similar to when I got to the art store and look at the various paint shades and finishes.
Overall, I'm not a huge fan of "matte" as a texture. Not on my skin and not in my work. It just tends to look too flat and unreal to me, so I usually opt for makeup that has some kind of "glow"...although there are many levels of "glow" from subtle to cabaret bam!. For every day you generally want a healthy, natural glow. A Twilight level of sparkle is a bit much for errand running and grocery shopping.
That said, I still gravitate towards glittery-as-a-fairies-butt eyeshadows most of the time. And generally not in neutral, subdued shades. The older I get the more I like bright colors for some reason. And the more I just don't give a fuck what other people think.
So...here's a list of makeups I like that is in no way complete because I'm constantly picking up new stuff. I do make an effort to use brands that don't test on animals but I'm also budget conscious because I can spend way too much money at Sephora in a split second, especially if my period is anywhere in the mix. So sometimes I do sacrifice some personal ethics so as not to be completely broke. Also, there comes a point at which no one "needs" any more eyeshadows. I only have two eyelids and so many days in the year.
FACE
1. I use Aromaleigh's mineral makeup in a blend of Alabaster, 1Y, and 1P mixed with their Illuminator in a generous amount. Unfortunately Aromaleigh doesn't make face makeup anymore after some change ups, but I bought enough when they were stopping that I should be good for at least a year. Then I'll have to figure something else out, unfortunately. A little goes a long way, honestly. And it doesn't irritate my skin or make it break out, and it's not heavy or masklike. I don't think I could go back to liquid foundation at this point, I'm so used to both the technique and feel of minerals. I personally use a flocked sponge to apply because I got a horrible rash from a face brush once, my skin is that sensitive.
2. Amazing Cosmetics Concealer in Fair. This stuff is ridiculously expensive in a full tube, but you can get a travel sized one at Ulta for half the price and it lasts FOREVER. You only need the teeniest, tiniest amount to cover dark circles or blemishes. And it really does cover them up and blend them in seamlessly, in any lighting. Which is fantastic. I'm really, really, really pale so it's unusual for me to find a concealer that isn't too dark, too orange, or too pink.
3. Maybelline cover stick in White. I only use this for Halloween, really, because it's waterproof and pretty high coverage, and cheap. It'll make your face a nice, nearly white, canvas for dead styles of makeup. I doubt it's great for your skin, but, it's a good cheap alternative. And if you're fair skinned enough it's a decent regular concealer.
3. Physicians Formula Shimmer Strip in Healthy Glow. This is technically a blush kit, but it's also got a highlighter and 3 shades of "blush". Now, personally, I don't generally need blush because I have pre-Rosacea and my cheeks are naturally pink-red depending on the weather, heat, or embarrassment level. What this kit does for me is actually give me a nice set of colors for use on the eyes, lips, and cheeks, for a natural look that also emphasizes my eye-color. It's not terribly expensive but it is a great "all purpose" product. They have a bunch of different sets for different skin tones. I found this very useful on my last few trips to cut down on carrying too many products around. It functioned just fine for everything and kept me from looking totally dead after a cross country flight.
EYES
*First, a tip. Depending on your eyecolor and skintone you should try using a contrasting color to make them standout. I have blue/green eyes so pinks, reds, and corals make them seem bluer. Copper has a similar effect. Purples make them seem greener, and browns and greys make them look sort of grey. Check out a color wheel and play around.
1. Makeup Forever Eyeliner. I have this in black, smoky gray, and a deep plum. I love them all. They stay put, make AWESOME smokey eyes, and are very easy to use and non-irritating. I don't really bother trying other eyeliners anymore because these just work and last quite a long time with maintenance. Ie. sharpen them regularly and be mindful of bacteria.
2. Urban Decay Eyeshadows in Lounge, Woodstock and their Deluxe eyeshadow in Fishnet. Woodstock is an incredibly vibrant hot pink and Fishnet is the most gorgeously nuanced shade of purple/pink with a hot blue shimmer. It's sort of the equivalent of the purple eyeshadow Disney villainesses are always sporting. I'm very fond of both because they're nicely pigmented, go on smooth, and make my eye color pop. Lounge is a brown/green that's really lovely and unusual, but great for pretty much any eyecolor. Also: most of their Deluxe eyeshadows are vibrant and true to hue no matter your skin tone. Which is great when you want a very dramatic pop of color. Which I usually do.
3. Aromaleigh Eyeshadows. Thankfully Aromaleigh is now making some limited sets again. Their eyeshadows were always immensely gorgeous. I have way too many to list them all, but they're worth checking out. Very layered colors, from high shine to frosts to glitters, to mattes. They last, they're really lovely, and they tend to have fun names. You also usually get quite a lot for the money. Some of my favorites over the years have been: Lilith, Ophelia, Grace, Drama Teal, Papillon, Flowers of Romance, Dirty Deeds, Strychnine, Cocoa Mauve, Mania's Locus, Phantasm, Nightshade, Dragon Scales, and on and on. Aromaleigh got me to try colors I never would have otherwise.
4. MAC eyeshadows in Shale, Shadowy Lady and Smut. Shale is a kind of mauvey gray that's subtle and more natural. Shadowly Lady is a deep gray purple, great for lining and drama. And Smut is a blackened red that makes blue eyes pop. I recommend going to a MAC counter or store to pick out shades, though. The pics on their site tend to be a bit misleading and I find the descriptions often seem counter what the pic shows.
5. Mascara. I prefer clear mascara, but I do like Benefits Badgal in black. Very simple and effective. Separates, lengthens, nothing too fancy or frilly and doesn't flake off.
6. Eyelash curler. For years I didn't see the point nor did I get how you could use one without hurting yourself. Then I figured it out and suddenly realized how it opened up the eyes and made the lashes more noticeable, mascara or no. I am a convert.
7. Eyebrows. I just groom mine with clear mascara sometimes. I don't fill them in or do anything fancy besides pluck when they look too wild. I prefer Tweezerman tweezers, though. Trust me, it'll save you a lot of frustration and owies.
LIPS
I love lipstick but I rarely wear it, likewise gloss. I feel weird reapplying it because I feel like I'm putting on a show. So what you'll mostly see here are tints or balms.
1. Fresh tinted balms in Plum and Pink. These are ridiculously expensive but the colors are amazing. And they have a new red one I really want to try. They're moisturizing, the colors are layerable, and they're in a tube so you're not trying to deal with a wand.
2. Stila's Lip/Cheek Stain in Cherry. This is my go-to. It's a stain that supposedly adjusts to your individual lip tone. I have no idea if that's true, I just know it's a fantastic, long-lasting, natural looking "flush". Kind of like I just ate a cherry popsicle, only more pigmented. You can also apply more than one layer for more color. It's not drying, but I use lipbalm regardless and it still lasts.
3. Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey. I love this color and find it to be just the right pop when I want a more sophisticated lip that isn't too much. Goes on smooth, easy to reapply. Not hugely long-lasting, but, eh.
4. Lipbalms! I'm kind of a lipbalm junkie. I tend to have like 4 in my bag at all times. Plus one in the car, in a coat, etc. I have lots of different kinds. Carmex in the little tin thing for when I need exfoliation or have a fever blister, Nivea with SPF, Softlips, another Carmex only in a stick, Blistex, and I just got 4 natural lipbalms from an Etsy shop called AutumnBalmBotanicals. They smell awesome and feel great. The Peppermint even has a touch of shimmer.
The only sort of cosmetics I really don't go in for are nail polish and anything contouring. Nail Polish looks pretty but I can't stand the way it feels on my hands, and I'm not keen on the chemicals. Other than that, I tend to just have fun with it. I'm still looking for the perfect red lipstick, though...
Next time: Hair Stuff
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Love & Things
My husband is my best friend. He has been for 17 years. It is, without a doubt, the most important and influential relationship of my life. He's my home and I not only love him, I just really like him a whole lot. I know, I know. Gross.
Now, I haven't been married for 17 years, we've just been together that long. I'm 32 and he's 33. If you do the math you'll figure out pretty quickly that we were 15 and 16 when we became a couple. To us, this is just how things are. To other people, it's more than a tad unusual.
I wouldn't technically call us High School Sweethearts, since we went to different schools in different states, and I think that term usually refers to people who go to the same one. But maybe it does apply. We were certainly in high school when we met. It was even, ::gasp:: partially an online relationship! This was in the 90's, way before internet dating was a common thing, and there were no official dating sites that I'm aware of, at least not the way you see them advertised on TV now. We actually had this complex relay system on Prodigy so that a group of us could all talk together in a kind of makeshift private "chat" room, and then have individual ones if we wanted. I'm sure we weren't the only ones to game the system like that. It made it so those of us in different states could still stay in touch and have legitimate friendships or relationships with people we had connected with, who just had the misfortune of living too far away for regular hang outs.
It's funny to think about this now since the internet has changed so much since then. I have so many friends in so many different locations it's pretty routine. But I think those early forays into finding people with common interests but who were not limited to your immediate geographical area was really important. One of the least realistic aspects of school is the idea that spending time with people who are the exact same age as you, that you've grown up with and been in the same classes with, with largely similar backgrounds, is in any way "normal" or indicative of the world at large. In real life you tend to associate with people of all ages, from different countries (let alone different states), with radically different backgrounds and interests. That's a good thing, especially if, like me, you really don't fit in with your peers very much. Finding people outside the forced social circle I was in helped me enormously.
When I met my husband I was 15, a social pariah, and sincerely convinced that I was too ugly/awful to be loved by anyone, ever. There's a certain kind of conviction that comes with being that young that is both misguided and yet utterly sincere. You think you really know how things are, and sometimes you do, but more often you don't. I don't think adolescents are stupid, of course. But I do think they're young and, since everything feels so very important whether it actually is or not, you tend to overestimate what you do and don't really understand. It's a time where you're trying on a lot of different identities to figure out who you are, forming a more solid sense of self that is not dependent on what other people have told you to do or be, so everything has this air of "meaning" to it. I sometimes think the real conflict of adolescence is between the excruciating importance of everything you feel and think...and the relative mundanity and boringness of most of the situations you're dealing with. But maybe that's just because I was a geeky nerd who read a lot more than she socialized.
Anyway, it's interesting to me that during this overly fraught age is when I met the person I've since spent more time partnered with than alone. Well, sort of. Our relationship was long distance for the first 7 years. We saw each about once a month, twice if we were lucky. It gave the whole thing an air of tragedy, I'll say that. I cried every single time we had to part. Some of that was an adolescent tendency towards drama...but a good part of it was that I really only felt truly understood and cared for when he was around. I felt calm and appreciated for myself. I didn't have to worry about being judged or criticized for the things I liked...and he totally put up with the weird/silly things I did...like the whole year I wrote emails in a kind of a faux Scottish accent. And I understood that he just needed to wear this ugly old man hat he called, "Fred". We were good to and for each other. We didn't really have fights, we never had that break up/make up dynamic...and even then we were kind of our own mutual appreciation society.
I think part of what really solidified us a couple, though, was that about 6 months into our being together (we didn't really "date", that's tough to do when you can't see the person very much, we just a couple)...they discovered that his chronic back pain was due to 1. a tumor on his spine and 2. rather severe scoliosis that had developed rapidly to compensate for said tumor. He needed to have spinal surgery which ran the real risk of paralyzation, not to mention they didn't know if the tumor was maligant or not. Generally it isn't in that particular location, but still. He was 16 years old and the word "tumor" is pretty terrifying no matter what. He was also told that after the surgery he'd need to wear a back brace for at least a year to make sure the spine healed and "fused" correctly. And he'd have to be careful because if anything compromised that fusion he'd have to be rushed into surgery again.
There was a moment where I was like, holy shit, this is REAL SERIOUS LIFE STUFF. This wasn't some minor sprain or an annoying rash, this was something that would probably effect him for the rest of his life, a very risky surgery, and a year of recovery that was really only the start. I had friends who were like, you don't want to deal with this, you're too young, you should date someone local...but I didn't see it that way. Even at such a young age I understood that life was not a series of happy endings like in the movies. People got sick. People died. It could happen when you were young, middle aged, old, but it was going to happen at some point. You had to deal with it. It was scary and everything, but I just didn't think that bailing on someone the second they needed you for something actually important was a particularly nice thing to do, especially if you legitimately loved them. So I did what I could to keep him upbeat about it and read up on his back condition a lot. The day of the surgery was pretty much awful and I didn't sleep the night before. I was so relieved when I got the phone call that he was okay from his mom that I went immediately to sleep and didn't get up until the next day, probably a good 14 hrs later. It was a Thursday and I would go to see him in the hospital on that Saturday.
My mom, I have to say, was always really wonderful. She let him stay with us over weekends, in my room, and never made a big deal about it. She says now that it's because we clearly weren't casual that she felt like it was important to be supportive. She's also not a prude about sex and trusted me to be sensible and safe, which we were when we eventually got to that point. I'd had very thorough sex ed from both my mom and school so we didn't rush anything and I think that was a good thing. It didn't happen until quite awhile into our relationship, and well after his surgery. I think we both kind of knew that wanting to have sex was not the same as being really ready to. For teenagers we were remarkable self-aware sometimes.
So, when the surgery happened my mom was just a totally awesome person. She drove me up to see him in the hospital and waited in the cafeteria with his mom and sister while I spent about an hour with him. I had to be careful because of the surgery, I couldn't just climb into the hospital bed and hug him like I wanted to. But I did my best to be silly, sarcastic, and positive. He looked good considering, but seeing someone you care about in a hospital bed just isn't a fun time no matter how successful whatever it is has been. I managed to be completely composed and fine up until about 3 seconds after walking out of the room. Then I burst into tears and had a good long cry.
The year after that was, to put it mildly, challenging. He was in a back brace for it, which was hard plastic, and he also had to wear a metal support part from his chin down to where the brace started at about the top of his chest. He was also stuck at home that year, which couldn't possibly have been much fun. There really aren't any words to describe not being able to hug someone without a big old plastic barrier in the way...but it was way worse for him than it was for me. When he finally got that thing off, we had the most amazing hug. I still remember how he looked standing in the sunlight, a smile on his face, and I was able to put my head against his actual chest and my arms around his waist. As much as it's not an experience I would wish on anyone, and as much as I wish he hadn't had to go through it, I sometimes think that it made us appreciate each other in a way we might not have otherwise. I don't know that for sure and it's not really important. We got through it and were stronger for it.
Throughout high school and even most of college, we never talked about The Future in any grand sense. We never planned out a wedding or how many kids we might have or even thought much about big picture type stuff. We both knew that we were really young and that life could change things at nearly any moment. We knew we wouldn't be going to the same college, we knew that relationships like ours were not generally considered realistic or likely to last. We certainly didn't treat it like it wasn't serious, but we also didn't try to force it. I think we both knew that it was important that we grow up and do things for ourselves and not let our relationship define us.
In that sense college was not as difficult for us as it is for other people trying to maintain relationships. I went to school in NYC, he went to school in CT, and we both pursued our individual interests. We both commuted from home to school and we never pressured each other to compromise on our education or interests for the sake of our relationships. I think we both knew that would kill it faster than anything.
I don't want it to sound like we were some perfect couple who never squabbled or were the same person. We've had dumb fights, a few "serious" ones, and we don't always agree. And there have been tense times other than the surgery, like when he graduated from school and couldn't find a job for a year or two, and I supported us with my first comics editing job. FYI, those don't pay very much and it was not fun to handle bills and all that real life stuff on my own. But we got through that and actually ended up in games instead of graphic design. Which has ultimately worked out better as he's always been a gamer and loves it.
Likewise, going from long distance to living together had some adjustments. I will honestly never understand people who don't live together before getting married. Sharing your space with another person is challenging no matter how much you have in common or care about one another. I can't imagine leaping into a commitment like marriage without dealing with living together first. It teaches you a lot.
Then, of course, there's the fact that we didn't get married until we'd been together for 9 years. And only then because we wanted to be under the same health insurance/dental plan. Terribly romantic, I know. Neither of us had any issue with marriage per se, we just didn't really care. We were committed, we were together, and we definitely didn't need a piece of paper to make that binding (other than legally, of course). We did have a lovely, tiny, wedding, though. We pretty much avoided anything particularly traditional and when I say tiny I mean 20 people tiny. We basically went and got the license and told people where to show up like 3 weeks later. Friends and family were very sweet and said lovely things, I wrote the extremely non-religious vows, and afterwards we had pizza. I don't know if we're just weird but I don't remember feeling any different about our relationship after...it was just a really nice day.
Fast forward to now, we've moved cross country together, and recentlyish to San Francisco. Even though every apartment hasn't been fantastic, being together with our ridiculous cats always makes it feel like home. It doesn't "feel" like 17 years. We still talk constantly. Well, I talk a lot...he listens and enjoys my chatter for some reason. We like spending time together and pretty much hate being apart because we kind of feel adrift, without our anchor. Not in any sort of clingy sense, I don't think. It's not needy, grasping, or jealous. It's just...being together feels right.
I have no idea what the future holds for us. But I know we both feel really lucky that our interests have always seemed to run parallel to each other so that, while we don't love exactly the same things all the time, we "get" what the other one is about. We trust each other, we have a kind of obnoxious shorthand that probably drives other people nuts. Mostly, though, I'm grateful that I have such a supportive and kind partner in life. I don't ever want to take that for granted. It's too rare.
Now, I haven't been married for 17 years, we've just been together that long. I'm 32 and he's 33. If you do the math you'll figure out pretty quickly that we were 15 and 16 when we became a couple. To us, this is just how things are. To other people, it's more than a tad unusual.
I wouldn't technically call us High School Sweethearts, since we went to different schools in different states, and I think that term usually refers to people who go to the same one. But maybe it does apply. We were certainly in high school when we met. It was even, ::gasp:: partially an online relationship! This was in the 90's, way before internet dating was a common thing, and there were no official dating sites that I'm aware of, at least not the way you see them advertised on TV now. We actually had this complex relay system on Prodigy so that a group of us could all talk together in a kind of makeshift private "chat" room, and then have individual ones if we wanted. I'm sure we weren't the only ones to game the system like that. It made it so those of us in different states could still stay in touch and have legitimate friendships or relationships with people we had connected with, who just had the misfortune of living too far away for regular hang outs.
It's funny to think about this now since the internet has changed so much since then. I have so many friends in so many different locations it's pretty routine. But I think those early forays into finding people with common interests but who were not limited to your immediate geographical area was really important. One of the least realistic aspects of school is the idea that spending time with people who are the exact same age as you, that you've grown up with and been in the same classes with, with largely similar backgrounds, is in any way "normal" or indicative of the world at large. In real life you tend to associate with people of all ages, from different countries (let alone different states), with radically different backgrounds and interests. That's a good thing, especially if, like me, you really don't fit in with your peers very much. Finding people outside the forced social circle I was in helped me enormously.
When I met my husband I was 15, a social pariah, and sincerely convinced that I was too ugly/awful to be loved by anyone, ever. There's a certain kind of conviction that comes with being that young that is both misguided and yet utterly sincere. You think you really know how things are, and sometimes you do, but more often you don't. I don't think adolescents are stupid, of course. But I do think they're young and, since everything feels so very important whether it actually is or not, you tend to overestimate what you do and don't really understand. It's a time where you're trying on a lot of different identities to figure out who you are, forming a more solid sense of self that is not dependent on what other people have told you to do or be, so everything has this air of "meaning" to it. I sometimes think the real conflict of adolescence is between the excruciating importance of everything you feel and think...and the relative mundanity and boringness of most of the situations you're dealing with. But maybe that's just because I was a geeky nerd who read a lot more than she socialized.
Anyway, it's interesting to me that during this overly fraught age is when I met the person I've since spent more time partnered with than alone. Well, sort of. Our relationship was long distance for the first 7 years. We saw each about once a month, twice if we were lucky. It gave the whole thing an air of tragedy, I'll say that. I cried every single time we had to part. Some of that was an adolescent tendency towards drama...but a good part of it was that I really only felt truly understood and cared for when he was around. I felt calm and appreciated for myself. I didn't have to worry about being judged or criticized for the things I liked...and he totally put up with the weird/silly things I did...like the whole year I wrote emails in a kind of a faux Scottish accent. And I understood that he just needed to wear this ugly old man hat he called, "Fred". We were good to and for each other. We didn't really have fights, we never had that break up/make up dynamic...and even then we were kind of our own mutual appreciation society.
I think part of what really solidified us a couple, though, was that about 6 months into our being together (we didn't really "date", that's tough to do when you can't see the person very much, we just a couple)...they discovered that his chronic back pain was due to 1. a tumor on his spine and 2. rather severe scoliosis that had developed rapidly to compensate for said tumor. He needed to have spinal surgery which ran the real risk of paralyzation, not to mention they didn't know if the tumor was maligant or not. Generally it isn't in that particular location, but still. He was 16 years old and the word "tumor" is pretty terrifying no matter what. He was also told that after the surgery he'd need to wear a back brace for at least a year to make sure the spine healed and "fused" correctly. And he'd have to be careful because if anything compromised that fusion he'd have to be rushed into surgery again.
There was a moment where I was like, holy shit, this is REAL SERIOUS LIFE STUFF. This wasn't some minor sprain or an annoying rash, this was something that would probably effect him for the rest of his life, a very risky surgery, and a year of recovery that was really only the start. I had friends who were like, you don't want to deal with this, you're too young, you should date someone local...but I didn't see it that way. Even at such a young age I understood that life was not a series of happy endings like in the movies. People got sick. People died. It could happen when you were young, middle aged, old, but it was going to happen at some point. You had to deal with it. It was scary and everything, but I just didn't think that bailing on someone the second they needed you for something actually important was a particularly nice thing to do, especially if you legitimately loved them. So I did what I could to keep him upbeat about it and read up on his back condition a lot. The day of the surgery was pretty much awful and I didn't sleep the night before. I was so relieved when I got the phone call that he was okay from his mom that I went immediately to sleep and didn't get up until the next day, probably a good 14 hrs later. It was a Thursday and I would go to see him in the hospital on that Saturday.
My mom, I have to say, was always really wonderful. She let him stay with us over weekends, in my room, and never made a big deal about it. She says now that it's because we clearly weren't casual that she felt like it was important to be supportive. She's also not a prude about sex and trusted me to be sensible and safe, which we were when we eventually got to that point. I'd had very thorough sex ed from both my mom and school so we didn't rush anything and I think that was a good thing. It didn't happen until quite awhile into our relationship, and well after his surgery. I think we both kind of knew that wanting to have sex was not the same as being really ready to. For teenagers we were remarkable self-aware sometimes.
So, when the surgery happened my mom was just a totally awesome person. She drove me up to see him in the hospital and waited in the cafeteria with his mom and sister while I spent about an hour with him. I had to be careful because of the surgery, I couldn't just climb into the hospital bed and hug him like I wanted to. But I did my best to be silly, sarcastic, and positive. He looked good considering, but seeing someone you care about in a hospital bed just isn't a fun time no matter how successful whatever it is has been. I managed to be completely composed and fine up until about 3 seconds after walking out of the room. Then I burst into tears and had a good long cry.
The year after that was, to put it mildly, challenging. He was in a back brace for it, which was hard plastic, and he also had to wear a metal support part from his chin down to where the brace started at about the top of his chest. He was also stuck at home that year, which couldn't possibly have been much fun. There really aren't any words to describe not being able to hug someone without a big old plastic barrier in the way...but it was way worse for him than it was for me. When he finally got that thing off, we had the most amazing hug. I still remember how he looked standing in the sunlight, a smile on his face, and I was able to put my head against his actual chest and my arms around his waist. As much as it's not an experience I would wish on anyone, and as much as I wish he hadn't had to go through it, I sometimes think that it made us appreciate each other in a way we might not have otherwise. I don't know that for sure and it's not really important. We got through it and were stronger for it.
Throughout high school and even most of college, we never talked about The Future in any grand sense. We never planned out a wedding or how many kids we might have or even thought much about big picture type stuff. We both knew that we were really young and that life could change things at nearly any moment. We knew we wouldn't be going to the same college, we knew that relationships like ours were not generally considered realistic or likely to last. We certainly didn't treat it like it wasn't serious, but we also didn't try to force it. I think we both knew that it was important that we grow up and do things for ourselves and not let our relationship define us.
In that sense college was not as difficult for us as it is for other people trying to maintain relationships. I went to school in NYC, he went to school in CT, and we both pursued our individual interests. We both commuted from home to school and we never pressured each other to compromise on our education or interests for the sake of our relationships. I think we both knew that would kill it faster than anything.
I don't want it to sound like we were some perfect couple who never squabbled or were the same person. We've had dumb fights, a few "serious" ones, and we don't always agree. And there have been tense times other than the surgery, like when he graduated from school and couldn't find a job for a year or two, and I supported us with my first comics editing job. FYI, those don't pay very much and it was not fun to handle bills and all that real life stuff on my own. But we got through that and actually ended up in games instead of graphic design. Which has ultimately worked out better as he's always been a gamer and loves it.
Likewise, going from long distance to living together had some adjustments. I will honestly never understand people who don't live together before getting married. Sharing your space with another person is challenging no matter how much you have in common or care about one another. I can't imagine leaping into a commitment like marriage without dealing with living together first. It teaches you a lot.
Then, of course, there's the fact that we didn't get married until we'd been together for 9 years. And only then because we wanted to be under the same health insurance/dental plan. Terribly romantic, I know. Neither of us had any issue with marriage per se, we just didn't really care. We were committed, we were together, and we definitely didn't need a piece of paper to make that binding (other than legally, of course). We did have a lovely, tiny, wedding, though. We pretty much avoided anything particularly traditional and when I say tiny I mean 20 people tiny. We basically went and got the license and told people where to show up like 3 weeks later. Friends and family were very sweet and said lovely things, I wrote the extremely non-religious vows, and afterwards we had pizza. I don't know if we're just weird but I don't remember feeling any different about our relationship after...it was just a really nice day.
Fast forward to now, we've moved cross country together, and recentlyish to San Francisco. Even though every apartment hasn't been fantastic, being together with our ridiculous cats always makes it feel like home. It doesn't "feel" like 17 years. We still talk constantly. Well, I talk a lot...he listens and enjoys my chatter for some reason. We like spending time together and pretty much hate being apart because we kind of feel adrift, without our anchor. Not in any sort of clingy sense, I don't think. It's not needy, grasping, or jealous. It's just...being together feels right.
I have no idea what the future holds for us. But I know we both feel really lucky that our interests have always seemed to run parallel to each other so that, while we don't love exactly the same things all the time, we "get" what the other one is about. We trust each other, we have a kind of obnoxious shorthand that probably drives other people nuts. Mostly, though, I'm grateful that I have such a supportive and kind partner in life. I don't ever want to take that for granted. It's too rare.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Rub The Lotion On Your Skin
Generally I'm not a huge fan of either our celebrity or product obsessed culture. There are times when I think Capitalism might just be the root of all evil. That and changing room mirrors.
However, I also like to buy things. It's clearly socialized, it clearly isn't a true "need", and it's obviously frivolous and silly to have a bajillion skin creams and about a hundred different shades of "pink" eyeshadow. As much as I'd like to tell you I'm the sort of person who only buys local, organic, and "upcycled"...I don't. And I seriously have way too many bottles of supposedly de-frizzing hair products.
So, one of the things I do enjoy is reading about what other people buy and use. One of my favorite blogs is Mindy Kaling's (http://theconcernsofmindykaling.com/) where she often posts about that sort of thing. Generally they are, very aptly, titled: Things I've Bought That I Love.
I'm going to shamelessly steal that idea for this post because I feel like writing about something A. fun B. girly C. maybe useful for someone else who likes to buy things but likes to have recommendations first.
This post will be about skin products. I have tried a LOT of these. Expensive, cheap, natural, fake, and pretty much everything in between. I try not to experiment so much these days as that just tends to make matters worse. I'm also on a budget and doing my best to be a good, thrifty freelancer, so nothing on here is going to be like that crazy $200 moisturizer (LaMer, I think) that so many people swear by. It might be like putting God on your face, but I'll never know because I'm not paying that much for something that gets used up.
My skin type is of the finicky variety that is multiple personality'd, and also disordered. It's very sensitive, acne-prone, oily in the t-zone, mostly normal in the cheeks, hormonally reactive, and it will get weird and dry and flaky in the right climate/right before an important event. I have never been able to get it to be perfectly balanced and it gets crazy pants oily no matter what. Even if it's doing it's best impression of an alligator, it'll still get shiny over it. I don't even bother trying to stop it anymore, I just make sure to moisturize (yes, oil skin needs it), stock up on blotting paper, and pretend it's a healthy "glow".
So! These are the products I use consistently that fall into the Not Cheap But Definitely Reasonable category.
1. Paula's Choice Beta Hydroxy Gel 2 %. This stuff is awesome. It's an exfoliator for your pores and it does what it says if you use it day and night. Keeps skin clear (nothing will keep it perfect, but this will definitely help), non-drying, non-irritating, and it even helps fade acne marks and prevent actual indented scarring because of cell turnover. I had an indented scar from getting injections in one spot for incredibly frustrating cystic acne a few years ago and this popped it out after a month. Which was a huge relief. Having acne scars like I do is embarrassing and upsetting, so it's nice when something helps keep more of them from happening. And me from crying and wishing I could wear bags over my head.
2. Paula's Choice Resist Smoothing Treatment 5% Alpha Hydroxy Acid. I use this at night a few times a week for extra exfoliation. It makes my skin super smooth, glowy, and further reduces marks and redness. It's also anti-aging. I don't totally understand the different between alpha and beta hydroxy's, but a combo is supposed to be good for you skin. So, I do what I'm told.
3. Cerave Moisturizing Lotion. This stuff is amazing. When I was using Retin-A this stuff saved my skin from irritation, flaking, and any kind of weather related crankiness. And it still does that, keeping my skin feeling soft and moisturized, never tight or greasy. You can find this at most any drugstore, it comes in a big jar or bottle, and it lasts forever. You can use it on face, hands, body, whatever. It's non-comedogenic and recommended by dermatologists. I haven't used another moisturizer in like 4 years, that's how much I love it.
4. Witch Hazel. I use this as a toner, especially if my skin is feeling irritated because it soothes it and never dries it out. Also it has the word witch in it.
5. DHC's Oil Cleanser. No, trust me, this stuff is great. I don't use soaps on my face because it just strips it, and this is my nighttime cleanser. It feels nice and soothing on, rinses totally clean, and removes clogs and makeup without making your skin feel stripped and crummy. You have to get it online, but it's actually very reasonable for the amount. And I swear, you can absolutely use it on the oiliest of oily skin.
6. Aspirin mask. If you didn't know, aspirin is made with salicylic acid, a common acne fighting ingredient. If you can find uncoated aspirin (I get Bayers AM) and dissolve it in a little water, it makes a gritter mask that reduces blemishes, redness, and irritation. You can use it as an exfoliator as well, though you need to be gentle as it has a rough texture. I tend to use just one or 2 tablets. See the next list for another DIY mask I do with this.
This is a list of Expensive Products That Are Worth It, as I've learned that if my skin likes something I should stick to it or it will get very pissed off at me and develop scales. It's pretty gross.
1. Dermalogica's Ultra-Calming Cleanser. This stuff is not cheap but you don't need to use a lot. This is my morning cleanser which gently soothes and removes product residue from the night. I don't use harsh cleansers because I'm not bathing my face in dirt and it's actually counterproductive when you have oily, sensitive, and acne prone skin. If you irritate it it just gets worse.
2. Dermalogica's Matte Sunscreen for the face, 20 SPF. This is the only SPF I've ever found that didn't clog my pores up immediately, smell like Rockaway Beach in August, or simply do nothing and let me get burned. This has held up in SoCal in every kind of weather and not made my skin dry or oily. My esthetician tells me that my skin has almost no sun damage, and I've been wearing sunscreen since I was a kid obsessively, every day, every season. I may look like a pasty vampire, but I'll take that over looking like I'm made of old leather at 32. It is over priced, but some things are worth it. Like not getting face cancer.
3. Murad's Clarifying Mask. This is one of the few clay masks that actually works for me, even though it has sulfur in it which can be irritating. What I actually do is mix aspirin with it and, for me at least, it shrinks pores, exfoliates, and often stops breakouts in their tracks. It also keeps the aspirin on better as it tends to flake off on its own. Be careful doing this kind of DIY, though, as skin is individual and what works for me could be a disaster on you. I'd do a spot test before putting it all over your face.
And then there are the Splurges.
1. Go to a dermatologist. If you have skin issues, that is. I can't stress this enough. If you're having stubborn acne, persnikety skin sensitives, or are just overall not finding things that consistently work, see a derm. Most insurance will at least partially cover a visit and it will definitely cover prescriptions. Obviously this is less viable if you don't have insurance, but a visit to a derm can actually be around $75 out of pocket for a consultation, and it will likely save you a ton in the long run by giving you product recommendations that will actually be effective. Most derms I've been to have also been super generous with the samples and don't just try to sell expensive stuff if you're on a budget.
2. Facials. I see an esthetician about once every month to two months who clears out my pores. Sounds gross, but, it's worth it to me. Picking at your skin is a bad habit that tends to make things worse, leading to deeper infections, bigger breakouts, and scarring. Estheticians (good ones) know how to do extractions that, while they don't feel great, heal up and go away without leaving marks or spreading bacteria. Plus, you'll look like you have baby skin when they're done, your pores are that clean and tiny. And, if you're lucky like me, you'll find one who is an obsessive sci-fi nerd and you'll talk about the latest episodes of Fringe while she degunks your face.
And that's my skin product rec's. Paula's Choice you can find at: paulaschoice.com, DHC Cleansing Oil at dhcskincare.com, Murad can be found at Sephora or Ulta, and Dermalogica can be found at Ulta or local Dermalogica skincare outlets.
However, I also like to buy things. It's clearly socialized, it clearly isn't a true "need", and it's obviously frivolous and silly to have a bajillion skin creams and about a hundred different shades of "pink" eyeshadow. As much as I'd like to tell you I'm the sort of person who only buys local, organic, and "upcycled"...I don't. And I seriously have way too many bottles of supposedly de-frizzing hair products.
So, one of the things I do enjoy is reading about what other people buy and use. One of my favorite blogs is Mindy Kaling's (http://theconcernsofmindykaling.com/) where she often posts about that sort of thing. Generally they are, very aptly, titled: Things I've Bought That I Love.
I'm going to shamelessly steal that idea for this post because I feel like writing about something A. fun B. girly C. maybe useful for someone else who likes to buy things but likes to have recommendations first.
This post will be about skin products. I have tried a LOT of these. Expensive, cheap, natural, fake, and pretty much everything in between. I try not to experiment so much these days as that just tends to make matters worse. I'm also on a budget and doing my best to be a good, thrifty freelancer, so nothing on here is going to be like that crazy $200 moisturizer (LaMer, I think) that so many people swear by. It might be like putting God on your face, but I'll never know because I'm not paying that much for something that gets used up.
My skin type is of the finicky variety that is multiple personality'd, and also disordered. It's very sensitive, acne-prone, oily in the t-zone, mostly normal in the cheeks, hormonally reactive, and it will get weird and dry and flaky in the right climate/right before an important event. I have never been able to get it to be perfectly balanced and it gets crazy pants oily no matter what. Even if it's doing it's best impression of an alligator, it'll still get shiny over it. I don't even bother trying to stop it anymore, I just make sure to moisturize (yes, oil skin needs it), stock up on blotting paper, and pretend it's a healthy "glow".
So! These are the products I use consistently that fall into the Not Cheap But Definitely Reasonable category.
1. Paula's Choice Beta Hydroxy Gel 2 %. This stuff is awesome. It's an exfoliator for your pores and it does what it says if you use it day and night. Keeps skin clear (nothing will keep it perfect, but this will definitely help), non-drying, non-irritating, and it even helps fade acne marks and prevent actual indented scarring because of cell turnover. I had an indented scar from getting injections in one spot for incredibly frustrating cystic acne a few years ago and this popped it out after a month. Which was a huge relief. Having acne scars like I do is embarrassing and upsetting, so it's nice when something helps keep more of them from happening. And me from crying and wishing I could wear bags over my head.
2. Paula's Choice Resist Smoothing Treatment 5% Alpha Hydroxy Acid. I use this at night a few times a week for extra exfoliation. It makes my skin super smooth, glowy, and further reduces marks and redness. It's also anti-aging. I don't totally understand the different between alpha and beta hydroxy's, but a combo is supposed to be good for you skin. So, I do what I'm told.
3. Cerave Moisturizing Lotion. This stuff is amazing. When I was using Retin-A this stuff saved my skin from irritation, flaking, and any kind of weather related crankiness. And it still does that, keeping my skin feeling soft and moisturized, never tight or greasy. You can find this at most any drugstore, it comes in a big jar or bottle, and it lasts forever. You can use it on face, hands, body, whatever. It's non-comedogenic and recommended by dermatologists. I haven't used another moisturizer in like 4 years, that's how much I love it.
4. Witch Hazel. I use this as a toner, especially if my skin is feeling irritated because it soothes it and never dries it out. Also it has the word witch in it.
5. DHC's Oil Cleanser. No, trust me, this stuff is great. I don't use soaps on my face because it just strips it, and this is my nighttime cleanser. It feels nice and soothing on, rinses totally clean, and removes clogs and makeup without making your skin feel stripped and crummy. You have to get it online, but it's actually very reasonable for the amount. And I swear, you can absolutely use it on the oiliest of oily skin.
6. Aspirin mask. If you didn't know, aspirin is made with salicylic acid, a common acne fighting ingredient. If you can find uncoated aspirin (I get Bayers AM) and dissolve it in a little water, it makes a gritter mask that reduces blemishes, redness, and irritation. You can use it as an exfoliator as well, though you need to be gentle as it has a rough texture. I tend to use just one or 2 tablets. See the next list for another DIY mask I do with this.
This is a list of Expensive Products That Are Worth It, as I've learned that if my skin likes something I should stick to it or it will get very pissed off at me and develop scales. It's pretty gross.
1. Dermalogica's Ultra-Calming Cleanser. This stuff is not cheap but you don't need to use a lot. This is my morning cleanser which gently soothes and removes product residue from the night. I don't use harsh cleansers because I'm not bathing my face in dirt and it's actually counterproductive when you have oily, sensitive, and acne prone skin. If you irritate it it just gets worse.
2. Dermalogica's Matte Sunscreen for the face, 20 SPF. This is the only SPF I've ever found that didn't clog my pores up immediately, smell like Rockaway Beach in August, or simply do nothing and let me get burned. This has held up in SoCal in every kind of weather and not made my skin dry or oily. My esthetician tells me that my skin has almost no sun damage, and I've been wearing sunscreen since I was a kid obsessively, every day, every season. I may look like a pasty vampire, but I'll take that over looking like I'm made of old leather at 32. It is over priced, but some things are worth it. Like not getting face cancer.
3. Murad's Clarifying Mask. This is one of the few clay masks that actually works for me, even though it has sulfur in it which can be irritating. What I actually do is mix aspirin with it and, for me at least, it shrinks pores, exfoliates, and often stops breakouts in their tracks. It also keeps the aspirin on better as it tends to flake off on its own. Be careful doing this kind of DIY, though, as skin is individual and what works for me could be a disaster on you. I'd do a spot test before putting it all over your face.
And then there are the Splurges.
1. Go to a dermatologist. If you have skin issues, that is. I can't stress this enough. If you're having stubborn acne, persnikety skin sensitives, or are just overall not finding things that consistently work, see a derm. Most insurance will at least partially cover a visit and it will definitely cover prescriptions. Obviously this is less viable if you don't have insurance, but a visit to a derm can actually be around $75 out of pocket for a consultation, and it will likely save you a ton in the long run by giving you product recommendations that will actually be effective. Most derms I've been to have also been super generous with the samples and don't just try to sell expensive stuff if you're on a budget.
2. Facials. I see an esthetician about once every month to two months who clears out my pores. Sounds gross, but, it's worth it to me. Picking at your skin is a bad habit that tends to make things worse, leading to deeper infections, bigger breakouts, and scarring. Estheticians (good ones) know how to do extractions that, while they don't feel great, heal up and go away without leaving marks or spreading bacteria. Plus, you'll look like you have baby skin when they're done, your pores are that clean and tiny. And, if you're lucky like me, you'll find one who is an obsessive sci-fi nerd and you'll talk about the latest episodes of Fringe while she degunks your face.
And that's my skin product rec's. Paula's Choice you can find at: paulaschoice.com, DHC Cleansing Oil at dhcskincare.com, Murad can be found at Sephora or Ulta, and Dermalogica can be found at Ulta or local Dermalogica skincare outlets.
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