With THE HOBBIT coming out this week and my little hands happily grasping my super special early preview showing tickets, you would think there wasn't anything nerdier I could do than Tweet obsessively about it nearly ever day. YOU WOULD BE SO WRONG.
This is the conversation I had with my friend Christine who indulged me lovingly in my crazy. Because she's the best. Enjoy! Also: apparently I lost the ability not to curse a lot in this particular chat. Oops.
THE HOBBIT OMG
Christine: I can't wait to hear what you think.
me: I CAN'T WAIT TO THINK WHAT I THINK
I saw some clips that were all awesomey with context and I died.
me: I am nerding the fuck out over it.
Christine: as well you should
me: Because it ties shit directly to Saruman starting to go bad, only Gandalf doesn't know that yet, and I was like OMFG I LOVE YOU PETER JACKSON.
me: I'm especially happy because in rereading The Hobbit right now I'm like, yeah, boy howdy does this need more context.
Also: Thorin needed more character. Actually, that goes for EVERYONE in that book.
Christine: can haz!
me: I'm fucking STOKED about that.
And the historical context of the dwarves.
Because they're awesome.
And LOTR didn't really deal with any besides Gimli.
Which is fine, they're all off dealing with shit on their own turf.
The dwarves have the most AWESOME creation story, too.
Which Armitage TOTALLY ref'd in a bunch of interviews and then I was like, please stop being so amazing.
me: Because that shit is from the Silmarillion.
Which no one reads.
Want to know it? It's actually really awesome storytelling stuff.
Christine: I tried...
me: I love it, but I am a Tolkien history nerd.
Christine: yeah I was bored to tears inside of 20 pages lol
but I never liked Tolkien's writing as much as I liked his stories.
me: You would have LOVED it when it got to the fucked up elf stuff.
Like, you would have such a lady boner for Feanor.
Seriously, if you can find the Feanor stuff separately, you should.
He is SUCH an asshole.
But also very awesome.
Yeah, Tolkien's world building is still unparalleled.
Because he was so obsessive about it.
So! The dwarves...
I promise you will love this…
So, Illuvatar is basically god.
And then there are the Ainur, who are sort of sub-gods he made.
Some of them become elements of Arda, the world.
One of them is Aule, the smith.
He makes mountains and all kinds of stuff.
Illuvatar creates elves and men and tells the Ainur to make Arda ready for them, but keeps their actual awakening time a secret.
So Aule, who is really very sweet, gets impatient.
He makes some creatures, who are crudely shaped and unlovely because he’s not Illuvatar and doesn’t really know what the hell he’s doing, and because he wants things that are alive that he can teach his craft to.
Illuvatar is like, dude, couldn't you wait a hot minute? And Aule is about to destroy them when Illuvatar goes, hold on there man, they're alive and cowering. You can't do that.
Because you did this in secret they won't be as special as men and elves, and you need to put their ugly asses to sleep so they wake up after my pretty, pretty elves.
But otherwise, we are cool, bro.
me: And that is the totally awesome story of the dwarves.
Who see themselves as a race apart.
Because they kinda are.
And Tolkien NEVER ever mentions dwarf women.
Christine: yeah that's totally awesome
me: But everyone is someone's dad or grandad.
Which is hilarious.
Like they just show up and have dad's.
Christine: freaking dwarves.
me: I'm pretty sure they're going to use some of that in The Hobbit, because there's a shit-ton of dwarf history beyond that, that is also awesome.
They were basically little shit-kicking fuckheads.
Who are like, whatever, you elves are just SO pretty. Go ahead and flip your hair, assholes. We'll be here making chainmail that wards off fucking troll spears. And gigantic underground palaces for our tiny, ugly asses.
me: Thus endeth this incredibly nerdy lesson. >:} (ONLY IT WASN'T! READ ON!)
Christine: I love your nerd. That was definitely one of the best Tolkin rewrites ever.
me: I got mad skillz, yo.
Only someone who has studied that shit like a crazy person could be that totally disrespectful.
Christine: best part of knowing a thing
me: It is seriously one of my fave things ever when Illuvatar basically goes "dude, your little people are FUGGO. Put them back in the box until my pretty peoples wake up."
me: And then there's Feanor, who is like the prettiest, smartest, most amazing maker of things ever...and he LOSES HIS SHIT when his fucking Silmarils get stolen.
I mean, the world loses its light because a giant damn spider sucks it out of some trees..and he's all, no way, guys, you can't have my pretty jewels to light it back up.
Christine: I don't even know what you're saying to me right now, but it's awesome.
What I am saying is: you would love Feanor.
Because he is SUCH a flawed character
Christine: awwww. well I do love those kinds of characters.
me: They are pretty awesome.
And then there are Hurin and his children who get RUMBLE FUCKED.
Like, for reals. With incest and everything.
I think it's the only time Tolkien even acknowledges that sex is a thing, sort of.
Christine: and of course he does it with incest
me: OF COURSE
Because 1. Ew.
2. HOW GREEK
3. There is also a dragon involved.
Christine: oh my
me: Well, not in the incest.
Christine: bwahaha. whew
me: Tolkien was WAY too proper English for anything like that.